Girls Poop Too
Ok, guys and girls, we need to talk….about poop.
I know, I know…a GIRL talking about poop? Gross! Stop being such a puss, and just stick with me for a minute. I have something to address.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a dude declare “girls don’t poop”, I would have enough money to buy my virginity back. Seriously, I hear it almost daily. I can almost bet that YOU have said it at some point in your life, am I right? You were probably already thinking it when you started reading this.
I just don’t get it. What’s the big deal? Is it because women are just too delicate and lovely to possibly be able to produce something so vile and disgusting? Snooki’s pregnant, boys, so that theory is moot.
Well I’m here to make a stand. It’s time we stop this ridiculous slander! I’m at a coffee shop as I type this and I’ve already pooped..twice! So what? If I’m any less of a lady, it certainly isn’t because of what’s coming out of my bum…..it’s mostly because of my lack of hygiene, according to my mother. I’m here to stand up for ladies everywhere….ladies who poop and are proud. Now I’m not gonna start quoting Ani Difranco lyrics and get all crazy-feminist on you, but I will point out the complete stupidity of this oh-so-compelling and fool proof theory that “girls don’t poop”.
But first, I need to poop again. Excuse me.
Ok, I’m back. This coffee is potent. Whew!
Now usually, when I hear a dude declaring this “anti-girl pooping” propaganda, I’ll ask him — “So what happens when chick’s digest their food? Where does it go?” I never expected a guy to say anything dumber on the subject other than “girls don’t poop,” but someone did it. I swear to God, a guy told me one time, “Well, they just pee”. I’m sorry….what?? Girls just PEE out their bodily waste? How is that less disgusting? Think about what you’re saying! That is a vagina. Most of you love vaginas, or pretend to anyway. Why are you trying to make vaginas more of a freakish mystery of science? You already don’t know how to use them properly, stop confusing yourselves even more. We don’t go around telling people that men cum from their big toes because it would be “too gross to come out of a dick”. It wouldn’t make any goddamn sense. I know I’m just a lowly little woman with a tiny little brain, but I passed 7th grade science. I know how bodies work.
You’re probably reading this and thinking, “Hey, i’ve never said that!” Well, good for you. I’d applaud you, but why would I reward common sense?
I’ve also heard this idea that “girl’s don’t have buttholes”. I can’t make this shit up, ya’ll. People (dudes) have said this to me before. I’m not going to make fun of this very much, because clearly these men have never had sex and they probably never will. And then, of course, you’ve got those men who have come to terms with the fact that chicks poop, but have likewise convinced themselves that “girl poop smells like roses”. Nope, it smells like shit. Cause that’s what it is. It’s shit. It stinks. That is all.
Now ladies, you’re not off the hook either. I’ve heard plenty of chicks declaring for the world to hear that “they absolutely do not poop”. I think this pisses me off more than anything else. It’s just so stupid. My mama always said, you don’t gotta lie to make friends…and your real friends won’t care that you poop because EVERYONE FUCKING DOES IT. I added that last part. Pretending like you don’t do the nasty, is just setting yourself up for disaster. What about marriage? There is NO WAY to avoid pooping in a house you share with someone 24/7. So stop lying…or I WILL punch you in the twat.
Are ya’ll grossed out enough already? I don’t think you are. So while I’m at it, let’s go ahead and make it clear that all the issues guys have with pooping…girls have too. You know that feeling. The stomach starts rumbling and turning….you feel like your innards are about to explode a hole through your stomach. You barely reach a bathroom, and when you do, you just don’t know what to expect. Will it be explosive? Is it just gas? Will there even be enough room in the bowl?? Or will you sit on the pot for hours, straining and pushing until your blue in the face? Yup, lady poops are just as unpredictable and gross. Sorry, fellas. I’m sure your whole world has been turned upside down…you just won’t be able to look at a girl’s ass the same way again. That is until you finally convince one of them to let you stick it in her exit door…then all bets are off.
So, people of the world, let’s stop this foolishness. Pretending like girls don’t poop is like that old white republican guy (they all look the same to me) believing that birth control is as simple as putting an aspirin between your knees. It just ain’t true. Your sister poops. Your girlfriend poops. Your grandma probably poops a lot. Your mom more than likely pooped at the exact same time you were born. Get over it. Can we all move on now?